I recently had the chance to go to a beautiful park with some people I met at the Cirkev Bratska church (The Bretheren). The park is quite close to my home. Bratislava is surrounded by beautiful hills.
My journey continues to unfold here in Bratislava. I am still in the very early stages of my time here and it seems clear to me that these early stages are meant for something I had not anticipated. With all that has transpired to this point I have to believe that these early months have been largely set aside for my own transformation and growth. As I realize this, two different thoughts occur to me: one is that it’s been difficult to just stay in that place and walk in it because I have a desire to be more active in service; and another is gratitude. I am truly thankful for this trial in my life because I can clearly see how it is bringing me into a place of deeper intimacy with my God. Going deeper with God leads to a greater understanding of who I am. Anytime we grow in our understanding of who God is, and consequently ourselves, we end up in a much better place emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.

As I mentioned earlier in the blog, it is becoming apparent to me that, for several months, I had been wandering away from the presence of God. In a very subtle fashion I had ended up drifting back toward a place within myself where I was attempting to 'lean on my own understanding.' In a very real sense I was listening to my own inner voice about everything from how I should focus my time and energies, to who I am as a person. Most of us have been there and know it’s not a good place to be. It seems to me that it’s a path that inevitably leads to confusion, darkness and eventually ruin. In my case it has lead me to some painful and difficult realities. Have you ever noticed that when you are not in a position to hear God’s voice, there are many other voices ready to speak up. No, I am not schizophrenic. These are the inner voices we all have but are not always conscious of. The “other” voices say things like “prove you are lovable, prove you are worth something, prove you are capable.” Or “God is done forgiving you for the same old things.” Listening to these voices erodes and deteriorates a person’s true sense of themselves, along with the gifts and talents they have to offer. It also starts a process whereby we must constantly go in search of some other way to feel loved, acceptable and competent. Once that process begins, who knows where it will lead. It could lead to a casino, the dirty side of the internet, the refrigerator, a bottle, a driveness to succeed or a series of unhealthy relationships.

The most significant question here is: do I belong to the world or do I belong to God? The “love” the world has to offer is always conditional. It’s an “I will love you if…” proposition. So, if we are not beautiful, talented, successful or intelligent then we can’t be worth too much. Whenever I look for my true identity here, to be fed that which I am really hunger for, I only get more hungry. The world, and everything in it will never be able to satisfy what I am truly hungry for, what I was actually created to desire.
On the other side of this story is that place called humility. I made mention of it earlier in the blog. Humility, is a recognition of my inability to navigate my own way through this mysterious thing called life. When I live there, I am in God territory. When I am in God territory I am able to hear His voice. God’s voice is the true voice of unconditional love. It is soft and gentle, forgiving and compassionate. There is a limitless extension of understanding in this voice. It is a voice I can only be transformed by when I allow myself to be touched by it. The choice is mine. My current challenge is to allow God to show me how or why I departed away from His voice and His territory, and how I can ensure that it won’t happen again this way. And in the grand scheme, an even more significant challenge is to dare to allow myself to be loved the way God wants to love me rather than regulating that love in accordance with how I think I deserve to be loved. And so we press on.
Here is my Slovak of the week. His name is Jakub (Jacob) but I call him JJ. JJ is a energetic 16 or 17 year old who is always on a mission. He is a great story teller and is totally fascinated with all things World War II. JJ loves to play sports as well and is a alot of fun to hang around with.

Life is such a journey of awakening. Someone once said “the more you learn the less you know.” I interpret that to say, the more life you experience, the more humbled you get. It’s a willingness to recognize and embrace the reality that we are, as fallible humans, so powerless and clueless. I fit the description better than anyone I know. Things are not quite as painful as the last time I blogged. Depending on the circumstances that could be a good thing, but it also could be a bad thing. We humans know all too well how to use certain pain killers, which are available all around us, to numb or hide from this sort of thing. In this case I believe the diminished pain is a good thing. Not just because it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. And who’s to say the pain for this particular season in my life is not going to return. It’s a good thing because the next phase of this process has been unfolding. This is the stage where I get to learn more about the specifics about how I arrived to this place in my life, what are the significant pieces of it, why did I not see it coming sooner and most importantly how does God want to use it to refine me and make me more like Him.
Oh, by the way, this is a photo of the group of people who live and work in Hungary and brought kids to our baseball camp.

Life is a challenging endeavor most of the time. Then there are those key moments in life when the challenge is multiplied by 100. Everyone experiences crisis moments, tragedies, painful moments of failure, ect… The prevailing notion among most human beings, especially Americans, is that emotional pain and crisis situations are bad things. They are unwanted disruptions of our lives and have no value. I believe this is an unfortunate mentality that we have adopted. The bible has much to say about trials and suffering in life. In a nut shell it says that this is the primary way, maybe the only way, God can bring healing, growth, maturity and truth into our existence. Painful circumstances breeds humility (an understanding of our weakness and limitation). It’s a tool for God to reveal a very important truth to each of His precious creations. The truth is that we were created to be totally reliant on God, because in reality if we try to do life our own way it will be at the very least a failure and at the most a disaster. (The photo is Lee, an American who came over to coach and lead at the camp, great guy. And Andrea, a wonderful Slovak girl who attended her second consecutive baseball camp this year).

One of the things I am learning now or should I say re-learning is that it doesn’t matter how well you may have learned this truth before or how wise you believe you have become in life. You can find yourself back into that state of pride (believing you have a good handle on running your life) anytime and not even know you’ve gone back to it.
Not to worry though. God has designed the experiences of life in such a way that inevitably we will crash and burn in some way and be brought back to the realization that we are really not in control of how our life unfolds. And the things we pursue for fulfillment in this world truly cannot satisfy our hunger. This has been my experience these last several weeks. Rather than look for ways to numb or comfort myself from the pain, I asked God to give me the strength to walk in it, even embrace it. Because otherwise this whole process will be a waste of time and nothing beneficial will come out of it. The benefits that I am receiving are invaluable and I will be a different person because of it. Hopefully I will be more selfless, more compassionate and yes more deeply rooted in humility. God is accomplishing His primary goal during this time within me, which is a deeper dependence on Him. And again, I give thanks to God for His loving discipline.
In the photo, meet my friends Dada, Mima, Monika and Barabara at the baseball camp.

These particular pictures are random in a sense that I won’t be doing commentary on what you are seeing. They are there for your viewing enjoyment as I share with you some thoughts about my emotional and spiritual acclimation to Slovakia. Three months have come and gone since I made Slovakia my home. In almost every way it feels like a much longer time. Usually that statement is reserved for when we want to say that a certain time in our lives has been really unpleasant. My intention is not to use it in that respect for my current situation. As I expected, it has been a wild ride so far. Just the sheer number of brand new experiences is amazing. So much about life here is different. So much of it is the same. There is a saying in the counseling profession that “wherever you go, there you are.” It simply means that whatever areas in your life that you consider weaknesses or shortcomings will follow you no matter where you travel. You cannot escape you. And there is something about being in a situation like I am which brings a lot of your “stuff” to the surface.

There are many great life lessons being learned here. One of the most important for me so far is that while I was living in Minnesota my ability to learn things about myself was limited. As I have come into the daily routine of life in Slovakia and been separated from all things comfortable and familiar to me, everything about how I am wired and what makes me tick has come to the surface and been exposed in a way I have never experienced before. At first it’s a little uncomfortable. As time goes on it’s down right scary. It’s not a pretty picture to see your baggage up close and personal or to have it exposed for the whole world to see.
It’s been difficult for me to not get caught up in worrying about how my “stuff” appears to other people. What will these people think about me, will I lose their respect, their trust? What I have learned before and am learning even better now is that this concern or worry is a waste of time and energy. Because in that realm inevitably I end up focusing on doing damage control and image repair which doesn’t benefit me at all as I miss the point completely. This is the same baggage that I was mostly able to conceal and ignore in Minnesota because I was going along in my set routine of living among people and places familiar and comfortable to me. What I am finding out is that with the journey I am on here it’s not an option to ignore and conceal. I guess it feels a little bit like enjoying a shower in the privacy of your home only to realize the walls of your house have collapsed and the whole neighborhood is watching. Can somebody hand me a towel please?

If I focus on protecting my image I am missing out on the most important part of this process and a great opportunity. Personal growth. Emotionally, intellectually and especially spiritually there is a tremendous opportunity for growth and maturity in this process. When I look back on my life I notice that the times when God really had my attention was when I was in the midst of a lot of pain and strife. It’s also the greatest memories I have of sensing God’s presence in my life as well as “hearing” His voice. When I am always surrounded by comfortable, familiar experiences and feelings I believe I am insulated from really experiencing God and all that goes along with that, including: knowing who I really am, knowing what my true purpose is in this world, continually being shaped and molded into the person I was designed to be…
I have heard stories from married couples who go off to live in a foreign land for a time and they end up being forced to cling to and rely on one another like they never have before. Most of the time it results in a stronger more vibrant relationship. I would like to use this analogy for my personal relationship with God. As God uses the difficulties that I am encountering here and the lack of any comfort zone to hide behind, a great recipe for growth begins to take shape. The key ingredient is agreeing and choosing to walk into that painful unknown and trusting that God has a plan for it all. I’m learning to believe that it’s not some random experience with a meaningless destination.

The whole experience has driven me into a deeper recognition of my need to cling to God every moment of everyday. It’s a lesson I have learned before. Each time I re-encounter it I go a little bit deeper into that truth. In God’s equation for life, weakness = strength. My weakness, His strength.
What I have seen from others around me is that if I am true to that process, I end up with more of their respect than I had before the process began to unfold. I guess it’s because I’m allowing others to see my flaws and weaknesses which most of us can relate to. It’s a good feeling to know we are not in this alone. It’s encouraging to see that other people are as flawed as we are. And it’s even more encouraging to know that we have a father God who has an endless supply of grace and mercy for us in the person of Jesus who offers to rescue us from ourselves. I am so thankful for that right now, more than I have ever been. So, that’s the blog up date for this week. It’s been real difficult and quite a struggle here and its all good because I know what the end result is going to be. I will be stretched, shaped, molded and rooted more deeply in my faith when it’s all said and done, thank God.